Our small group has been talking about Christian marriage/relationships, and all that comes with that. In my years of marital counseling, I have often discussed some of the most commonly cited reasons for relational conflict and separation/divorce. These are the most frequently given answers:
1. Money
2. Child-rearing (and all that goes with it)
3. Sex and sexual issues
4. Roles and Expectations
5. Addictions
6. Conflict (the ways we handle conflict)
7. Communication
Each of these (but especially the last couple/few) can affect all of the others, but are often given as their own sources of conflict. Note that number one is WAY higher than any of the others. Money is easily the number one source of conflict. The others aren't even close. That said, the others are significant enough on their own, and can be just as common.
Each can be the subject of years of study and discussion, but this week our group is particularly talking about number 2: child rearing. One of the things that I often find is that we assume that parents of godly children must be great parents, and that parents of children who are far from God must be bad parents. This is folly. Children make their own choices. Obviously there can be correlations. But often we dismiss (or flat out ignore) insight from parents whose children may be far from God...and, in turn, they may be more reluctant to speak up and offer the often significant advice and insight they can have for other parents. On the contrary, we often give extra credence to insight from parents whose children are following God even when they aren't necessarily the best parents themselves.
I'll illustrate my point (and then explain it) with an example from hockey, the best sport on the planet. Often, the referees are guilty of what is commonly called "calling the result". What this means is that, if an official sees one player suddenly fall down, they will automatically call tripping on a nearby opposing player, even if that player had no contact with the one who fell. Or the official will see a player's head snap back and will call a high sticking penalty on an opposing player even if his stick never left the ice. On the contrary, one player can clearly and obviously be interfered with, but no penalty is called because the other player stayed on his feet. In other words, the referee makes the call based on the result...what the other player does or does not do...rather than on the actual action of the source (the guilty or innocent player).
Here's my point with this: we often do the same thing with parents/children. We judge based on the results, rather than on the source. We miss much sound advice from parents that have a lot of wisdom specifically because their kids are far from God, and listen to foolish insight from parents just because their kids may be following God (even though their kids may be wiser than they are!).
This is, of course, far more broad-reaching than just parenting. We do this in all kinds of ways. We judge the result, or judge based on our perceptions, on our preconceived notions of people rather than the reality. We foolishly allow our own issues to dictate our opinions of others, and thus what we can learn from them. We need to judge wisdom on its own merits...not on our perceptions of its source.
